Cumulative Stress and Anxiety

While Patrick continues to trend upward, there has been something I have been thinking might be worth writing down. Everyone has been incredibly supportive and understanding.  The important thing I have had to remember through all of this is that there are amazing resources available.  The internet and books have been my friends.  This whole ordeal has been one crazy logistic adventure to the next.  I have tried to learn the vocabulary and process as fast as I can.  Once Christy went into the hospital, as a husband my job became cheerleader/quarter master/maid/laundry czar/news-reporter/advocate.

Then, all of a sudden, our lives were turned upside-down.  As with all new parents we are excited and worried at the same time.  Countless people have written about the joy of being a new parent, so I won't dwell on this for too long.



Having our child in the hospital for any length of time is stressful.  The NICU is aware of this, and they do everything they can to try and give us the tools to make this an easier transition.  They gave us the information/privacy/concern/sympathy we have earned and need.  This does help and makes what is otherwise unbearable something that is tenable.  However, that is simply cerebral.  In my head I know how to rationalize the situation away and keep going.  But the fact is, my stress and concern aren't something that I have become used to, it is cumulative.  This is key to understanding and helping us through as family and friends.  While the people around you get used to your life situation, your spouse becomes your greatest ally, as they are the only one to really understand what is going on in your head.  Christy is a beautiful saint who has helped me to recognize when I need a time-out.  People around us say some crazy things that are well intentioned.  But it has been the relationship between Christy and I that has grown and helped pull me through some of the most challenging days of my life.

It is easy, as an outsider, to lose sight of the fact that these crazy NICU parents mentally check out from time to time.  That it is because of the unwavering / unmitigated concern for the well-being of our child.  Some days are better than others, and overall we have had a wonderful experience given the situation.  But knowing that it could be worse only helps to a point.  It is this idea of being powerless to change the circumstances,  coupled with the daily challenges of the unknown,  that builds in my head.  Each time I call or visit the NICU I don't know if the news will be for the better or worse.  If it is for the worse I must then try and understand all the implications to this impossible complex little body that I love more than anything in the entire world.  And I have to do all this learning in the most stressful and noisy place imaginable with all the neighbors crying and alarms going off all of the time.  If the news is good, I know that it will be short lived until I call again with the next set of news that will cause a new round of learning and complexity. 



For friends and family, please just give us preemie parents a crazy-pass. Christy and I deal with many things that most parents can't and don't have to imagine. We carry worry, guilt, doubt, fear and a sense of being overwhelmed with us almost every hour of every day, and that's before he's even home.  We know that it's challenging to know what to do/say/help with.  In the coming days I will try to make a little progress on this front and give some direction to this plight.

Let me be very clear with one thing:  Everyone around us has been incredibly supportive and wonderful listeners.  We are blessed to have such a loving, caring support group to help both Christy and I.  Thank you so very much for your help.  Without it we could not have made it this far.