Professional Blogger? Hah!

So let's begin today with a list of frequently asked questions:

How much do you weigh?
Just yesterday I was able to get weighed without my cast on, and I am now coming in at a cool 5 pounds 10 ounces of manliness.


If you weigh so much why can't you go home, Patrick?
Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady, however, there are still many more things that have to get checked off before I head out of here.  Right now the big hurdles in my life are the coordination of breathing, swallowing, and sucking on a bottle.  Sometimes when I am very tired I'll let food pool in my mouth, and occasionally this will splash my vocal cords.  When this happens I choke, just like one of you big guys.  However, when this happens to me, I have a tougher time of recovery.  Until I master this trick I will be sleeping in my big boy bed in the hospital.

Why do I see you with your hands in your face, holding up a stop sign, or other signs of seeming discontent?


Despite my manliness carrying the day, occasionally I get a little stressed out.  I have tried deep meditation, yoga, reading Depak Chopra, and eating chocolate, but alas nothing seems to work.  The only solution I have found to make life better is to eat, sleep, or poo.  My stress has many sources, but primarily it is over stimulation.  As a prematurely born super-man, I am much more likely to have to deal with things on my own tiny terms and push through with a nap.  My folks have been warned of this, so they can fend off all the overstimulating things in the world. 

When you do come home, can I come to visit?

While I would like nothing more than to see my fans, I am going to have to ask for yet more time alone.  Due to my early immune system, I have much higher likelihood of contracting an infection or sickness from the more mature fans of mine.  Until I am able to get a few more rounds of immunizations and medicine in my system I will have to defer all visits, however well intentioned.  Additionally, as mentioned above, things like being held too long, and by too many people cause stress to my system.



Well, okay, if I can't visit would you consider becoming a professional blogger for me?
I will be more than happy to blog for you.  My services entail my entourage coming to your house at 12AM, 3AM, 6AM, 9AM, 12PM, 3PM, 6PM, or 9PM and taking some pictures of you while you eat or sleep.  I will write about all of your short comings, and what milestones you have in front of you.  Once this is done, I will talk to all the people around you to see how you have been behaving, and put this on the internet for all the world to see. 

How are your mom and dad doing with all that is going on?
They are doing wonderfully, and have been very supportive as I try to be come the first Olympian for the NICU games.  While they are here each and every day, I know they are growing weary of visiting this place, asking permission to play games with me, and having to spend 30 minutes to 2 hours to and from the hospital in the car.  While this coming from Dad strikes low on my manliness meter, I think I'll give him a pass just this once.  I know how much work it is to take care of me, and I hope to have knocked the socks off this difficult time shortly.  I also feel like after dealing with as many doctors as I have in the past two months, I should get a pass for the next 10 years from shots/procedures/poking/prodding/ and all other things I don't want to do. (Dad thinks he should get a pass from going to the dentist for all that he has done too)




Put the lime in the coconut,
Patrick